It's all good

I've been really enjoying my time here. Last Friday our school held a youth event called LOL, which takes place every month. I was asked to lead worship and had only 3 days to prepare and practice for it. For some reason, though, God had everything under control for how well it went. I've never really led worship for something like this before so I was nervous about how it was going to go. It went so well. There were probably 50 kids there and it was really fun for me to see them get into it and also have fun. So many people afterwards came and told me that I did a great job. Someone even said I had a gifting in leading worship. I’m almost scared to accept these compliments. Like for how easy it was to lead worship, it shouldn't have gone so well. If that makes sense? But on the other hand, leading worship is kind of one of those hidden desires that I've always wanted to do but didn't think I was qualified enough to. I’ll just have to wait on God and see where he takes music in my life. I am very grateful for the opportunity I had to lead worship for youth.

Fun experience…

Too soon to dissect the frog

So… I think I freak out a little too easily [in reference to my last post]. Right now I love school and although have only had 2 days of classes and 1 test, I’m already comfortable with being here. God must answer prayers. I’ve been so busy just hanging out with friends. I’m really digging this dorm life. And I’ve only been here 2 nights. Okay, maybe the real problem is that I analyze things a little too quickly?

Tonight I’m heading out to a youth group that I’m a part of helping this year. I think it’s a youth group of about 40 kids...

...Just got back from youth at Solid Rock. It has been made very clear to me tonight that I do try to analyze situations too quickly. I think I changed my mind 5 times tonight whether I liked being a leader in this youth group or not. It’s hard to be a leader in a youth group I’ve never been to before.

One thing that really stood out to me was the lack of genuineness of the students. It just seemed like it was a show. I think that is something I have really taken for granted in my youth group in high school. In worship the students just kind of sang along and those on the team didn’t really seem to make it a part of personal worship for them. When it came time for the small group discussions, everyone had the right answers, but I don’t really know how personal they are with God. I overheard one girl say to another girl about how she was dressed up because she was going to the bar after youth with another guy from the youth group.

I’m not trying to say that I’m looking down on the students in the youth group. I’m just trying to point out [probably more for myself] that this might be a really good opportunity for me to share my realness with God and reach out to them in that way. I really do pray that God will be able to use me in the relationships I form with these students. Again, I need to give what I’m involved in more time before trying to dissect it. There are definitely things that stood out to me in a good way, such as the youth leader’s strong emphasis on how important your relationship with Christ is. That’s always a good thing :)

Today I’m thankful for:

New friendships

New experiences

Meeting a couple new faces at CLBI

My choir tryout- I think it went well J

First test of the year- not too hard even though I before the test I thought I should’ve studied harder

P.s. I needed a random title. I kind of like it, haha..

Adjusting

I don't know why but I'm struggling with coming up with something to write. Maybe I should wait till I feel better. I just started feeling sick just a warm face but enough to not feel like myself.

Oh, I should probably mention that I made it to Camrose, AB on Saturday. I met up with the girls to go on the hiking trip on Sunday. I missed out on the canoe portion of the trip but was able to get in on some of the outdoor experience. It was awkward for me at first but I just tried to be as friendly as I could and tried to remember a couple names of the 40 some I met that day. Everyone was so welcoming to me, so that was a huge blessing. I was so glad to get to have good conversations with some of the girls throughout the couple days there. The last night on our trip, we all went around and shared our "story of grace." It was a really good way to be personal with each other and share our story.

Right now I feel kind of like I'm back at square one. like I don't fit in. like everyone knows each other except for me. I know this isn't true, but my blog is supposed to be honest, right? I feel like going and finding a quiet spot to read and be my introvert self. I probably just need to give it some time. I've only been on campus for a few hours.

time. time. time.

I will give it time.

I'm thankful for...

*lifelight music festival- favorite part is running into people I know. And worshiping God with thousands of other believers. I love connections.

*such an awesome group of friends and family who love me, pray for me and support me

*new CD- John Mark McMillan, who wrote "How he loves"

*sleeping in, in my own bed

*morning coffee

*finding out who my roommate is- she seems really cute and fun

if only life was...

if only life was a straight path.

with no question which direction to go

which footprints to leave

if only life was a gravel road.

easy, familiar, comfortable

no fears, no confusing signs or traffic

life is more like a winding river.

one that turns unexpectedly

speeds up and slows down

(usually when you don't want it to)

one that makes you question the destination

or how to get there.

but that's the challenge of life

to have balance

to find your way

your interests

yourself

Not my ways...

So the plan was to get to Alberta, Canada on Friday to get there before school registration which is on Saturday.

For whatever reason, God must not want me at school the first week. I can tell you I can’t wait to ask him his reasoning for this in heaven if I don’t find out in this life. Ugh, I was so looking forward to the canoe trip, which is the first week of school. And I’ll miss it. I hate passports. I hate dead end plans. I hate losing stuff all the time. Seriously, ever since I can remember, I’ve lost things. School papers, books, clothes, jewelry. You name it, I’ve probably lost it. The thing is, I usually find it exactly when I need it. I remember spending hours searching for book reports and finding them right before I was about to give up. But I always seemed to find it just in time.

Right now I’m confused.

I lost my passport that I got just a couple months ago. I remember going up the stairs with it, to bring it to my room. But now I don’t know if it actually got there of if I subconsciously set it down somewhere. Either way, I can’t find it. It gets complicated because I just realized my passport was missing the night before I was moving to school in Canada. My parents and I searched as hard and long as we could before giving up. Our only other option was to get an expedited passport which could come in 2 days. We decided to have the passport mailed to a relative in North Dakota so we could at least get a little driving in. However, we only made it as far as Grand Forks when we discovered that the passport would not come when we thought. It was a good plan except we didn’t select the correct mail option so as of now it will be another week until the passport is in my hands. And I would still have to travel there either by driving which takes 24 hours or flying, which would be a complicated because I have a lot of things to bring with me. I’ve prayed so hard that God would help me find my passport and then when that didn’t happen, that everything with the expedited passport would go through. Well neither happened. It’s frustrating.

I have to hold onto the truth that
ALL THINGS WORK TOGETHER FOR GOOD
TO THOSE WHO LOVE GOD.
He still is in control, even when everything seems to not be working out how we want. I’ve always been told “it’s not our ways, but God’s ways.” That’s true now, then isn’t it?

God, please tell me how I should get to school. For whatever reason, you’re holding me back. My parents and I have tried everything in our power to get to school on time, but nothing came through. Not our timing, I suppose.

Let’s take away the magnifying glass. No one's hurt. No one died. I’ll miss a week of awesome bonding time and memories at school, but I’ll still get there. (Hopefully not too many awkward moments from coming late... Hate awkward moments.)

We’re not sure how I’ll be heading to school, if I fly or we all drive. Please pray that God would show his ways to me.

“Here before your altar,
I am letting go of all I’ve held
of every motive
every burden
everything that’s of myself
and I just want to wait on you, my God
I just want to dwell on who you are
Beautiful
beautiful, Lord I am lost for more to say
Beautiful
beautiful, Oh Lord you’re beautiful to me
Here, in your presence
I am not afraid of brokenness
I just want to wait on you, my God
to dwell on who you are
-Wait patiently upon the Lord
be still, my soul, be still-”

- singer/songwriter Kari Jobe

Breaking the Jar

So this is how I bottle it up inside.

Inside my head screams. My heart tenses. My face scrunches.

But nothing happens.

I don’t know how to let it out, how to release my anger and frustration.

So I bottle it up, keep it tight inside my jar until the jar gets too full.

And then it all comes out, in fast rushing water, poured out unwillingly

How do I not let the jar get too full?

I don’t know how to deal with my own behavior.

How do I change it?

I don’t want to be this way.

I think I’ve always been this way but have only just recently noticed it.

God, I don’t like this feeling.

I’m scared of how this jar is going to explode.

I should apologize in advance to whoever receives this anger.

It seems like I don’t let it sink in until everything I’ve gotten upset about combines into one burst of rage.

I don’t know how to change.

I just know I don’t want to keep on going living this way.