if only life was...

if only life was a straight path.

with no question which direction to go

which footprints to leave

if only life was a gravel road.

easy, familiar, comfortable

no fears, no confusing signs or traffic

life is more like a winding river.

one that turns unexpectedly

speeds up and slows down

(usually when you don't want it to)

one that makes you question the destination

or how to get there.

but that's the challenge of life

to have balance

to find your way

your interests

yourself

Not my ways...

So the plan was to get to Alberta, Canada on Friday to get there before school registration which is on Saturday.

For whatever reason, God must not want me at school the first week. I can tell you I can’t wait to ask him his reasoning for this in heaven if I don’t find out in this life. Ugh, I was so looking forward to the canoe trip, which is the first week of school. And I’ll miss it. I hate passports. I hate dead end plans. I hate losing stuff all the time. Seriously, ever since I can remember, I’ve lost things. School papers, books, clothes, jewelry. You name it, I’ve probably lost it. The thing is, I usually find it exactly when I need it. I remember spending hours searching for book reports and finding them right before I was about to give up. But I always seemed to find it just in time.

Right now I’m confused.

I lost my passport that I got just a couple months ago. I remember going up the stairs with it, to bring it to my room. But now I don’t know if it actually got there of if I subconsciously set it down somewhere. Either way, I can’t find it. It gets complicated because I just realized my passport was missing the night before I was moving to school in Canada. My parents and I searched as hard and long as we could before giving up. Our only other option was to get an expedited passport which could come in 2 days. We decided to have the passport mailed to a relative in North Dakota so we could at least get a little driving in. However, we only made it as far as Grand Forks when we discovered that the passport would not come when we thought. It was a good plan except we didn’t select the correct mail option so as of now it will be another week until the passport is in my hands. And I would still have to travel there either by driving which takes 24 hours or flying, which would be a complicated because I have a lot of things to bring with me. I’ve prayed so hard that God would help me find my passport and then when that didn’t happen, that everything with the expedited passport would go through. Well neither happened. It’s frustrating.

I have to hold onto the truth that
ALL THINGS WORK TOGETHER FOR GOOD
TO THOSE WHO LOVE GOD.
He still is in control, even when everything seems to not be working out how we want. I’ve always been told “it’s not our ways, but God’s ways.” That’s true now, then isn’t it?

God, please tell me how I should get to school. For whatever reason, you’re holding me back. My parents and I have tried everything in our power to get to school on time, but nothing came through. Not our timing, I suppose.

Let’s take away the magnifying glass. No one's hurt. No one died. I’ll miss a week of awesome bonding time and memories at school, but I’ll still get there. (Hopefully not too many awkward moments from coming late... Hate awkward moments.)

We’re not sure how I’ll be heading to school, if I fly or we all drive. Please pray that God would show his ways to me.

“Here before your altar,
I am letting go of all I’ve held
of every motive
every burden
everything that’s of myself
and I just want to wait on you, my God
I just want to dwell on who you are
Beautiful
beautiful, Lord I am lost for more to say
Beautiful
beautiful, Oh Lord you’re beautiful to me
Here, in your presence
I am not afraid of brokenness
I just want to wait on you, my God
to dwell on who you are
-Wait patiently upon the Lord
be still, my soul, be still-”

- singer/songwriter Kari Jobe

Breaking the Jar

So this is how I bottle it up inside.

Inside my head screams. My heart tenses. My face scrunches.

But nothing happens.

I don’t know how to let it out, how to release my anger and frustration.

So I bottle it up, keep it tight inside my jar until the jar gets too full.

And then it all comes out, in fast rushing water, poured out unwillingly

How do I not let the jar get too full?

I don’t know how to deal with my own behavior.

How do I change it?

I don’t want to be this way.

I think I’ve always been this way but have only just recently noticed it.

God, I don’t like this feeling.

I’m scared of how this jar is going to explode.

I should apologize in advance to whoever receives this anger.

It seems like I don’t let it sink in until everything I’ve gotten upset about combines into one burst of rage.

I don’t know how to change.

I just know I don’t want to keep on going living this way.

summer wrap-up

It's pretty safe to say that summer is a thing of the past.

September is just around the corner.

The nights and morning are cooler.

School has started (for most students).

A sweatshirt is always nearby.

At the beginning of summer, I made a list to complete over the sunny months.

I have:

read a couple books

read the whole New Testament

learned some piano chords

memorized songs on the piano and guitar

danced

written a song

taken pictures pretty much the whole time on a day road trip

(attempted to) listen to a whole conversation without distractions

had a couple sleepovers

almost blogged every 2 weeks

knit 3 headbands

The only thing I did not get done on my list was making an altered book, which I was really hoping to do. I did, however do some artwork that I might take with me to school and put up in my room. Maybe I'll just have to do an altered book another summer ;)

watercolor artwork- I love drawing dresses

God is AWESOME.

I just had to get that out there. We had our youth group's 2nd annual outreach last night. We had free food, a band, free giveaways (some pretty sweet ones, like $100 gift cards!), a dance, and a speaker and altar call. Everything went a million times better than I could have expected. Seriously, God was there. I was involved in the dance, helping with giveaways and praying with people after they got their food. Those were all really cool things to be a part of, but the highlight of my night was the conversation I was able to have with a couple people, Mac and Heather. Just as the speaker was starting to talk, I was looking for a spot to sit down. Thank you, God, that there was no place to sit by my friends otherwise I would've missed out on this awesome time to share about Jesus. So I found a table where a couple people were sitting. I recognized the girl on my right, as the wife of a Teen Challenge graduate. So I figured that was who I was supposed to talk with. But actually, I ended up talking with the 2 people on my left.

The guy sitting next to me, Mac started saying things to himself after he didn't agree with something the speaker said. "That's not true, Jesus can't do that. Oh, I am happy enough without any of that. I've got my alcohol..." I looked over at him, "Alcohol makes you happy?" I asked him. "Yeah! Get drunk every night, sober up, then do again." "But you have to keep going back to it to be happy," I replied. "No you don't. It always makes me happy." He didn't exactly answer my question...

The speaker started saying how Jesus died on the cross for every one of us. "He did not," Mac said. "Yes he did," I told him. I looked straight into his eyes and with the words only God could have given me said, "If you were the only one here, the only one on this earth, He would've died for you. He has a plan for you. He knew that you would come here tonight." While I shared this with him, he shook his head, "He would not. And I was drug here by Heather. She said we were going to a concert. I did not want to come here. God must have something against Native Americans because He's never done anything for me."

My heart just aches knowing that inside he's dying. He says all these things will satisfy him, but I know he's not happy with the way his life has turned out. He hates his family, he said they mean nothing to him. I asked him if he's given Jesus a chance. He said yes. I asked him how. He couldn't really explain. "Jesus is the only thing, the only one, who can give you complete satisfaction," I told him. "How old are you?" he asked. I told him I was 18. "Yeah, you just wait and see." He was 24.

His friend Heather said Jesus is her savior, but she doesn't believe the Bible's true. She used to go to church, the same one as me actually, but every time the music plays she starts crying. And that's why she stopped going to church. Because she doesn't like crying in front of people. I could definitely tell she had a sensitive heart. She believed in Jesus but He wasn't first in her life. That would probably be her boyfriend. She's moving in with him in 4 days.

So I asked Mac and Heather if I could pray with them. Heather said yes, Mac said okay, a little uncertain about it. So I prayed with them. Afterwards, Heather had tears in her eyes. One of the best ways to show others the love of Christ is not by the words you say, but how you love them. I really hope that's what I did. I knew shouting Jesus name at them wouldn't do anything but push them further from wanting to know about Him. So I just loved on them. Accepted them, shared about the love I have and listened to them.

So if you're reading this right now, please say a prayer for Heather and Mac. Pray that they'll come to know Jesus as their redeemer, their Savior. That the words I spoke to them would be on their heart. I know that God planned that conversation with them last night, but pray that it has an impact on their life.Pray that a seed was planted.

psalm 17:6

I call to you, O God, for you will answer me;

give ear to me and hear my prayer.

Moving Forward

Wow. This summer has flown! I don't know why, but I'm always surprised when I start to hear about going back to school shopping, getting supplies and getting ready for the new school year. I've really enjoyed this summer. I've kind of gone all over the Midwest and then some, down to Omaha, the black hills, Minneapolis, Texas and going to different weddings. And now it's nearly coming to an end.

I start school on September 4th, at Canadian Lutheran Bible Institute. It's a bible school in Camrose, Alberta. I have a lot of family there and one of my favorite cousins is going to be there with me too. We pretty much planned going there since we were freshmen in high school :D I'm pretty excited. I'm looking forward to the community, friendships, spiritual growth, learning and experiences.

My best friends are starting to leave for school. One leaves tomorrow, and others follow the next week. I think I'm the last one to be leaving. I don't like saying goodbye. It's such a weird feeling knowing that things never will be the same. I probably won't be as close with the friends I've known throughout high school. In some ways that scares me. I'm pretty comfortable where I'm at right now. But on the other hand, I know that I have to move on. I can't stay here and miss out on what God has for me. Sometimes I think I'm more than ready to leave home, but other times I don't really want to. Ah well. I have a couple weeks to get everything packed up and I think that will help me to "be ready." Ready for school, for moving on, moving forward.

Galveston Discoveries

*i [really] like crab

*ocean water in the Gulf is really warm

*i get really sweaty in the Texas humidity and heat

*a simple prayer can have a huge impact on someone

*you can get stung by jelly fish by just swimming in the ocean

*i learned how to drywall

*PEZ can make people go crazy :)

*AC is sent from heaven

*hurricane Ike was the 3rd most destructive hurricane in the U.S. history, following Andrew and Katrina

*the HS in Galveston has a jail and daycare in the school... crazy

*hard work, like drywalling doesn't exactly show changes in the house, but it's just as necessary to get the house completed

*i love helping, playing and talking with kids, especially cute little black kids

*boogie boards are awesome

*Galveston needs prayer

We had a really wonderful week working in Galveston. Hard to get past to the heat, but at least it didn't slow us down at all. We spent our days working on houses. I drywalled the entire week while others helped finish a roof and cleaned up the yard.

We did bible clubs in the afternoon at a park. Kids around ages 4-13 joined us for games, snacks, and a bible lesson. My friend Whitney and I got to lead the bible lesson one day. It was a cool experience. We taught the kids the story of Daniel and how he continued to follow God even though he was thrown in a lions den. The kids were so cute. I asked them what they thought happened when Daniel was punished for not obeying the king and one kid replied, "He had to go to church?"

The kids were so accepting of us. It was fairly obvious how these kids yearned for attention from us, where as they might not be getting it anywhere else.

One of my favorite things about the trip was going on prayer walks. I've never done this before, so it was a new thing for me. Our group would split up into 2 groups and walk around the neighborhood and lift up the area in prayer, for salvation, for the people's homes, for safety of the town, and pretty much whatever God led us to pray for. One lady, Mrs. Scott was taking out her trash when we walked by her driveway. We started up a conversation and ended up praying for her. She was so extremely blessed that we prayed with her. She told us, " You don't know how much I needed it. Thank you guys so much. I'm going to go call my son right now and tell him I got prayer on my driveway. On my driveway!" I am so glad we could be used by God to touch her life. Definitely one of my highlights of the trip.

Another really cool thing we did on this trip was "Drive by prayer." We gave free meals to people driving or walking by and then would ask if we could pray with them. I know a lot of people were thankful not only for the food, but also for the prayers. While we were ministering to the people there, someone noticed a piece of a rainbow directly above us. I got goosebumps. It was almost like God's sign to us.

All in all, a very good, yet challenging trip. I wasn't expecting the intensity of the heat, but also wasn't expecting the difference connections I made while working in Galveston. Thanks for all your prayers and remembering our team while we were working!